If Love Hurts - Writings By
and About Survivors of Abuse

This project began at an informal writing workshop held in Betty Stephen's stunning home overlooking the beautiful city of Santa Barbara. Women connected with the nonprofit organization Domestic Violence Solutions had the idea of putting together a collection of instructive, inspiring pieces to pass along to our daughters. This seemed the perfect, idyllic setting in which to begin.

We discussed ideas as a group, separated to write for an hour or so, and then came back together to read what we had written. It wasn't greeting card material. It became clear that we all felt safe enough to share, in some cases for the first time, our painful stories. Many of them, and those of others who joined us later, are represented in these pages.

Of the many dedicated people involved, certain individuals deserve special recognition: Erin Neil, DVS Board President, for her commitment to this project from start to finish; Brecia Kralovic- Logan, who offered inspiring guidance throughout this process and reminded us to breathe; Monica Spear, Executive Director of Girls, Inc. in the greater Santa Barbara area, for her early, valuable advice; Nathan C. Rogers, of Griffith & Thornburgh, LLP, for donating his wise counsel in legal matters; Greg Sharp, our mentor and guide through the publishing process; Sally Hamilton for her wonderful painting that became the cover design, along with her helpful ideas; Beverly Engel for her knowledge and advice; April Whann for her support and Tess Vander Heide for her meticulous work with the manuscript.

Finally, to my incredibly talented editing team: Linda Williamson, Wendy van Diver and Carolyn Callahan—Thank you for all those powerful hours around my table.

Pamela Vander Heide
Editor

by Pamela Vander Heide

“When a woman tells the truth she is creating the possibility for more truth around her.”   — Adrienne Rich

This book is about speaking the truth, listening to the truth, and spreading the truth about a difficult subject. When someone is beaten by a stranger, we are appalled. Surprisingly, many people are less concerned when they hear about cases of domestic violence. Although the differences are subtle, we tend to hold someone who was violated by a stranger less accountable than someone who experiences violence at the hands of a loved one. We want to explain it away by telling ourselves, “You never really know what goes on between a man and a woman,” or “She probably drove him to it.”

The truth is, domestic violence is more appalling, more frightening and should be more anger-provoking than stranger violence

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The opening quote expresses our purpose. By sharing our stories with their painful truths, we hope to inspire others to do the same. Come forward. Tell your story. Get help if you need it. Always remember you are not alone.

by Joyce Dudley

Early on in my career as a prosecutor, I was assigned a particularly violent and heart wrenching domestic violence case. This occurred over seventeen years ago so I may have a few of the details wrong, but I will never forget the circumstances and the result.

...

I had no idea at the time that my experience with this case would not be unique to future prosecutions. Over the last nineteen years I have been continuously amazed by women who will accept abuse up to the point when it collides with their passion to be a good mother.

For many different reasons, mothers will allow themselves to come into harm's way with their significant other, but when they become cognizant of the effect this abuse has on their children, they simply will not accept any more. They refuse to be a role model that supports the notion that their child could become either a victim or a perpetrator.

...

As a prosecutor and an educator I am optimistic, because we as a society have always responded when we become aware of a gross injustice, especially when it affects vulnerable victims. This book will undoubtedly raise our collective awareness. In fact I'm confident this book will be the spark that will ignite readers to do what they can to stop domestic violence now and in the future.

“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.”   — Carl Bard

Love can be seductive. It can be addictive and all consuming. There is nothing like the initial feeling of falling in love and being loved. ... He tells you that you are beautiful and he can't live without you. You think that you can't live without him either. Yes, these are the first signs of love that we have heard about and have been desperate for.

Abuse usually introduces itself disguised as love. It seduces you in the beginning and makes you feel like no one else is loved as much as you. You are wonderful and he wants to be with you always, and when he is not with you, he wants to know what you are doing at all times. It all feels so special in the beginning. Abuse is extremely cunning and seductive. It is not hard to understand how you can be fooled and lured into a relationship with Abuse. He knows whom to target and what words will work the spell.

However, Abuse cannot maintain this false face for long. He starts to get angry if you choose being with friends and family over him. He convinces you that he has your best interests at heart and slowly succeeds in isolating you from everyone else. Abuse tells you how to dress and starts to criticize how you look. This is Abuse ... not to be mistaken for Love.

Stories:

• No Tomorrow
• Closing the Door
• The Crossroad
• You're Just Too Good To Be True

“The central struggle of parenthood is to let our hopes for our children outweigh our fears.”   — Ellen Goodman

The sad truth is that growing up in an atmosphere of domestic violence does tremendous harm to children — the most significant being that children learn that violence is an acceptable way to resolve interpersonal conflict. Research strongly suggests that children who witness violence frequently are more likely to adopt violent behaviors themselves. This is especially true for boys, who are at a greater risk of learning that violence gets them what they want. Further, while relying on violence, there tends to be less reliance on verbal skills and hence these same boys are at risk of inadequate verbal relational skills such as dialogue and discussion to mediate their needs. Girls are at risk of learning that violence is normal and as a result, can be more apt to accept violence within their relationships.

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Violence against women and children often coexist in families—the frequency of child abuse doubles in families experiencing intimate partner violence, compared to families with nonviolent partners, and the rate of child abuse escalates with the severity and frequency of the abuse against the mother. In a national survey of more than 600,000 American families, 50 percent of men who frequently assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children. Children in violent homes face dual threats—the threat of witnessing traumatic events and the threat of physical assault.

Stories:

• Forgiveness
• Lora Means Song
• Where is Your Father?
• Walls and Windows
• Walking on Eggshells

“I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing.”   — Katherine Mansfield

The symptoms and signs of domestic violence are often not apparent to outside observers, even if they are close friends or family members of the victim. ...

Another situation that can prevent disclosure of domestic abuse is that victims are afraid no one will believe them. Unfortunately, their fears are often justified. This is because abusers can seem to be nice and normal people ...

Even when a victim finally admits she is being abused and begins to agree with family and friends that she should leave, it is not unusual for her to change her mind and decide to stay. Victims often believe the perpetrator's remorseful pleas ...

So, more times than not, friends and family stand by, in pain themselves as they witness in horror the effects of the abuse that is suffered and vigorously denied by the victim ...

As difficult as it may be as a friend or family member to continue to witness the abuse, and as helpless and hopeless as you begin to feel, it is important for you to tell the victim that no matter what, she can rely on you for support.

Stories:

• The Puppet Theater
• Helpless
• The Secret on the Hill

“There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go.”   — Tennessee Williams

Why would anyone stay in an abusive marriage?

Even an abusive marriage can seem more appealing than the thought of leaving with no resources and no place to go.

Concern about traumatizing children or breaking up the family also creates a barrier to making a change and seeking a safer life. Sometimes the marriage seems safe enough. Violence and other forms of abuse don't necessarily occur on a daily basis.

Fear, shame, and lack of self esteem also keep women in abusive marriages. Often abusers threaten to harm or kill them if they leave. Taking away their children is another common threat that, irrational as it seems, keeps women stuck. Some believe they are responsible for the abuse; others think they cannot go it alone and are too ashamed to ask for the help they need.

It takes courage to be a lone parent, but many do it for the sake of their children. The intergenerational cycle of abuse must stop. We love our children too much to watch them become abused or abusers themselves

Stories/Poems:

• Fault
• What You Won't Stand For
• Starting Over
• Saving Face
• Reclaiming My Self
• i think it was june 2nd

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.”
—Eleanor Roosevelt

The idea of changing your whole life—moving to a new area, finding another place to live, finding a way to support yourself and your children—can be overwhelming. Add the psychological damage, fear and uncertainty that come from living in a dangerous setting and the situation can be almost paralyzing. Yet you can summon your courage and accomplish a great deal by taking small steps toward freedom...

Those who have been abused tend to become easily confused. Their partners have told them over and over that their perceptions are wrong, seriously undermining clarity in their thinking. Programs such as Domestic Violence's residential counseling can help victims overcome confusion and paralysis. Each step taken will help them feel better about themselves, help them think more clearly, and bring them closer to a healthy, happy life.

Stories/Poems:

• Confinement
• A Legacy
• Night Dance
• A True Story of a Sweet Southern Girl
• The Power of Chocolate Cake

“Yesterday ended last night. Every day is a new beginning. Learn the skill of forgetting. And move on.”   — Norman Vincent Peale

One of the primary ways abusers maintain power and control in the relationship is by devaluing and shaming their partners. A victim may believe that she deserves to be treated poorly because her partner tells her so. Even women with a relatively strong sense of self will eventually internalize the criticism and begin to believe it is true.

Moving toward a happier, healthier life includes repairing damaged self confidence and self esteem. One way to move ahead is to become less isolated. Since abusers wish to control their partners, isolation becomes the vehicle for having power over what the victim does and thinks. Recovery involves thinking for oneself again, hearing other viewpoints, and opening up to new ideas.

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Take good care of yourself. Eat healthy food and get more exercise. Love yourself. You are worth it.

Stories/Poems:

• Lending a Hand
• When One Door Closes
• Courage That Heals
• There Comes a Moment
• Finding Shelter
• Peace at Last
• The Mirror

by Richard Kravetz
Executive Director
Domestic Violence Solutions for Santa Barbara County

Domestic violence is a problem most people don't want to talk about. The writings set forth in these pages speak with power and eloquence, expressing a message we all need to hear and hear again.

Donations to help us continue our mission may be sent to DVS at P.O. Box 1536, Santa Barbara, California, 93102.

Please join us in helping families end the cycle of violence.