You Deserve a Healthy Relationship

What is a Healthy Relationship?

Ask yourself these questions about your relationship:

• Does each partner respect the other's opinions, even when they are different?
• Does each partner share equally in making decisions about how you will spend your time together and about other issues?
• Does each partner encourage the other to have friends and interests outside the relationship?
• Are both partners willing to talk openly and honestly about problems in the relationship, and willing to work together to resolve conflicts?
• Are both partners willing to accept responsibility for their behavior when something hurtful is said or done?
• Does each partner respect the limits and boundaries set by the other?

These are just a few aspects of a healthy relationship: respect, trust, support, communication, and equality. Healthy relationships are a partnership between two people. Most importantly, there is no fear of violence.

How Can I Tell If My Relationship Is Abusive?

• Are you frightened by your partner's temper?
• Does your partner call you names, put you down, and generally make you feel bad about yourself?
• Does your partner try to control you by telling you where you can and can't go, who you can and can't talk to, what you can and can't wear, etc.?
• Has your partner grabbed, slapped, pushed, hit, kicked or thrown objects at you?
• Has your partner threatened you?
• Does your partner blame you after hurting you?
• Does your partner deny or minimize abuse by saying “you're too sensitive”, or acting like nothing ever happened?
• Does your partner make promises to change, yet continue to hurt you?

These are the signs of abuse, which may become dangerous. Look carefully at your relationship and learn about abuse. You deserve a healthy relationship!

About the Teen Program

Teen Services Advocates from Domestic Violence Solutions are available year-round for presentations on teen relationship issues. We also provide workshops in the high schools and jr. high schools on a variety of related topics, including jealousy, communication, power and control, sexual harassment, and of course, all types of abuse.

Advocates are also available for trainings to teachers, service providers, parent groups, and anyone who is concerned with the problem of teen abusive relationships. For more information or to schedule presentations or workshops call:

What Can You Do?

If you are in an abusive relationship:

• Take it seriously. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
• Talk to someone about it. Get a reality check.
• If you aren't ready to break up, make a safety plan. A Teen Services Advocate can help you with this.
• If you need shelter or someone to talk to, call our 24-hour crisis line at 964-5245.
• Call our Teen Services Program. We can help with restraining orders, safety planning, education, support, and other needs you may have.

If you have a friend who is abused:

• Believe the person. Tell the person it is not her/his fault, and nobody deserves to be abused (no matter what the partner says).
• Don't try to force the person to break up. When the person is ready, she/he will leave.
• Offer your support, and refer your friend to the resources above.
• Educate yourself about abuse.

Some Facts About Teen Abusive Relationships

In the Santa Barbara area, one quarter of teens surveyed reported having experienced an abusive relationship.

Abuse happens in all kinds of relationships, including same-sex relationships.

Abuse happens at all income and educational levels, and in all cultural and ethnic groups.

Abuse escalates over time, sometimes leading to murder. Santa Barbara County averaged four domestic violence-related murders per year between 1980 and 1997.